Miscarriage is tricky to talk about, to say the least. How and where do you even begin? What’s appropriate to say and what isn’t? It’s hard losing a child, even harder when you feel like you can never talk about it. When people ask me how many kids I have I answer “four,” but in my heart I often add… “And two with the Lord. ” Maybe you can relate.
October is Miscarriage Awareness month. I’d like to honor all of the women today who never got to hold a child in their arms. Let’s make room for this type of conversation. I’ll begin by saying, “I’m sorry for your loss,” and now I will share part of my story.
This October marks six years since God graciously carried me through the process of losing a child. I felt oddly at peace when the physical unstoppable process began.
You see, just five days prior I had visited with a good friend who just went through it. I asked her many questions and she graciously walked me through every emotional and physical detail. Little did I know, my curiosity was “God given” as he was preparing me for what was right around the corner for me. I am so grateful for my friend’s openness and for God’s intentionality in preparing me for what was about to happen.
As Christians we are well versed in the Scriptures that tell us the “Lord is always with us – even to the end of the ages” (Matthew 28:20). Yet for me, it became real when I came to the end of myself, faced with waves of grief over the death of my baby that seemed to swallow me whole. I struggled with anger, doubt, bargaining, and depression. One by one these stages of grief came, and then…all at once. Eventually I surrendered. It was in that depth of sorrow – what felt like the end of my world – where I discovered the Lord WAS actually with me, and he was carrying me through.
As I remember those days, the hardest thing after surrendering was posting about it on social media. I had initially been excited to tell the world about the baby who was coming…but instead, I let everyone know that my heart was broken.
Afterward, the loving texts and messages poured in. I didn’t have to hide it anymore! It felt like a relief. Friends and family were then able to come bring me meals, do my laundry, and even play with my 15-month old daughter.
As I rested and grieved in God’s presence, all the songs on the radio seemed to remind me of God’s faithfulness. The talk shows and radio hosts also seemed to mention his ever-constant presence in our time of trouble (Psalms 46:1); also how he catches all of our tears in a bottle (Psalms 56:8); and how much he cares when a loved one dies (Psalms 116:15).
Also, these two verses gave me a lot of comfort in my fragile state:
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown…For I am your Lord, your God, your Savior” (Isaiah 43:2-3).
“Even when I walk through the valley of a shadow of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me” (Psalms 23:4).
Circumstantially our stories may differ from one another, and our bodies may have responded differently to losing our babies, but I’d like to encourage your heart today and say that there’s healing and revelation within all grief. Nothing speaks more comfort than the Lord himself who bore our infirmities and sicknesses on his body so that we could experience healing! (Isaiah 53:3-5)
So go ahead and give yourself permission to grieve and mourn. While you’re there, ask God questions, for within him are the depths of understanding (Isaiah 40:28). I would even suggest naming your child/ren; maybe even write a letter of the dreams you had for them; or plant a tree or a bush in their memory so when it blooms, it will remind you of God’s faithfulness and that your loved ones flourish in his presence. Maybe even have a celebratory anniversary and start a conversation with your spouse or tell your kids about the siblings they’ll meet on the other side.
For me this means celebrating my 12-week old daughter every year who is now in the arms of our heavenly Father. I also named her Julia Joy – my jewel in Heaven! I talk to my kids about her, like a long lost relative, and I share my testimony with them because the Lord has proved himself so gentle and faithful to me, and my intimacy with him deepened as a result.
I long to be with my Father and see him face to face, but I also look forward to being reunited with all those who have gone ahead of me, like my sweet Julia Joy.
A Prayer For You
Father, thank you for each mama willing to carve out time so that you can meet with her, as she is precious in your eyes and so is the fruit of her womb! Lord, I thank you as she opens up and surrenders her grief to you. I know you will meet her with your ever-pursuing love and healing balm. May you open the heavenlies and shower her with joy and gladness and turn her mourning into dancing. Let the glimpse of what awaits her propel her to declare your goodness as she continues here on earth. For yours is the kingdom and the glory, forever and ever. Amen
Kasha Jankowski is a mom to two bigs and two littles and is originally from Poland and speaks three languages! She enjoys cultural diversity, food and music, and is even more passionate about loving God and loving people.